Small Steps, Big Impact: Aaron Callaghan's Journey with Grief

In a poignant and insightful conversation, Aaron shared his experiences navigating grief and loss following the passing of his wife Kate from breast cancer. His story offers valuable perspectives on coping, healing, and finding meaning after tragedy.

Aaron's journey began when his seemingly healthy wife Kate was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer. Despite living what many would consider a model healthy lifestyle, Kate's illness progressed rapidly. This shocking turn of events upended their family life and forced Aaron to confront the unpredictability of life head-on.

Q: What was part of your grief survival toolkit?

A: “Even in those early days when Kate passed, I still prioritised some exercise and movement because I know for myself... obviously there's the physical benefits, but then the mental and emotional benefits are probably even bigger. So even though I'm feeling pretty sh*t, with the world and life, I'm really consistent with that.

I've written a gratitude journal for probably the last 10 - 15 years. I feel that's actually one of my superpowers. A lot of people say I tend to be a pretty positive person and that's one of the big tools, or one of the benefits of gratitude as it puts you in that space.”

Q: How did grief change your self-care practices? 

A: “I've had a breathing practice and a meditation practice for a long time. Meditation I found I had to park that for a little bit. I was just finding it too challenging to just sit in that space alone, you know, because your brain's gone a little bit haywire.

A really interesting one was, we're lucky enough to live next to a pretty, amazing lake so I've been doing some cold plunges. And when Kate passed I just got this massive sense in my body to stop doing the cold plunges.

Almost like my body was saying, look, your body is stressed already. It's not what you need to be doing at the moment.”

Q: What is one hard lesson grief taught you?

A: “If you look at the average Kiwi male, the narrative is we're not good at expressing our emotions. Probably comes back to the fact that we don't actually even have that skill set because of our upbringing.

If I look at myself personally my background was a very male dominated, ego driven environment. I used to play rugby and then I ended up working in rugby. That's probably not the environment where you're developing those skills with regards to deeper connections for relationships.

This is still something that I wrestle with today. What could I have done better as a partner or a husband with the time that I had with Kate? I won't get that opportunity to express those feelings here on Earth.

That's what I would say to all the men out there is, give your partner that extra hug or tell them that you love them, or just check in what can I be doing better?

Q: There’s a lot of unsupportive grief advice. Did you receive any helpful advice?

A: “I was lucky enough through a mutual friend to speak to Dr. Paul Wood. One of the things he said to me was, “When you have those big feelings well up around Kate, you never want those to go because that's you showing or remembering how important she is to you.” And that's really stuck with me.

Now when I have those feelings - because there's not a day that goes past where I don't think about Kate, whether, I bet she's up there having a laugh at me with the kids because I've buggered that up, or she's annoyed with me because I've buggered that up. 

When you do have those feelings, you go, yeah actually, I love you and you're important so maybe you don't want those feelings to go.”

Q: What would you suggest for someone who is feeling really stuck right now?

A: “You want to drive change through action. Quite often we will sit there and go, look, I'm going to wait until I change and then I'll be alright. I want to wait for that right time, or the right person, or whatever that narrative is that you've got ticking over. But it's actually, what's the small thing I can do today?

It might look like, well, I know if I can get out for a five minute walk today in nature, that's taking me in the right direction.

That act of taking a step or action, that's where the power is. It's going to start to change that narrative or that internal dialogue.

It takes you from being that victim mindset into, I'm taking control again.

It can be bloody hard to wrap your head around because when your wife has just passed with cancer, and you've got two kids, it's pretty easy to let that internal dialogue become pretty negative and play that victim card. 

It comes back to taking a little bit of control. It's not the size of the step or the action, it's the consistency. The step can be as big or as small as what you like, but it's actually just taking that step that is the key.”

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Aaron's story is a powerful reminder that while we can't always control what happens to us, we can choose how we respond. Through mindful practices, community support, and a willingness to explore unconventional paths, it's possible to find a wholesome path through grief.

You can find out more and contact Aaron via his website http://aaroncallaghan.com/ and Instagram https://www.instagram.com/aaroncallaghancoaching/.