Radical Self-Permission: Iona's Journey Through Loss

In a candid and powerful conversation, Iona Winter shares her experience navigating the profound grief that followed her son Reuben's death by suicide in 2020. With raw vulnerability, she shared hard-won lessons on the lies we're told about grief, the necessity of giving ourselves full permission to feel, and the freedom that can arise from stripping away societal constructs of identity.

Iona is a poet, essayist, storyteller, editor, and founder of Elixir & Star Press. Not only do I admire Iona’s creative output in alchemising one of her life’s toughest challenges through writing, I also admire her passion for speaking about and shattering the stigma around typically taboo topics.

Check out the highlights of our conversation ⬇️

Q: What have you found helpful in navigating this journey?

A: “Giving myself permission to feel whatever I wanted to feel and to not be attached to other people's timelines, other people's expectation, other people's whakaaro around how I should be doing grief and what the best practice for grief is.

It's about tuning into yourself and saying “what do I need right now?” Nevermind what anybody else thinks you need. What do I need right now? Oh, I need another cup of tea and I need to sit outside with the cat or whatever. To give ourselves the permission to do what we need to do.”

Q: How would you suggest folks can support someone who is grieving?

A: “Just say, ‘I'm here.’ Be there, keep showing up. 

Just be with the person or people who are grieving and if you've got lots of judgment, go and tell it to your cat and take it to your therapist or whatever, scream it into the woods, whatever you need to do, but don't bring that in.

Really what helped was people who just allowed me to be, people who sat beside me and didn't try and fix it. People who said I'm here, people who sat and cried with me, people who came and stayed the night and slept on my couch.”

Q: Have you encountered any unhelpful beliefs about grief along the way?

A: “You can throw the bloody DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) out the window. You can't diagnose grief.

I've had to face into a lot of loss, and I think that has equipped me more than my mental health training [as an ex holistic psychotherapist] to be honest.

That whole stages of grief thing, what a load of rubbish - another book to throw out the window. 

I think it challenged me in terms of not reading into it, not trying to quantify it, not trying to pigeonhole it, not trying to go, ‘Oh, I'm really angry today.’ None of that. Instead, ‘Yeah, I'm really angry today.’ And that's how it is.

Less analysis and more just being with the feelings that are going on inside. 

We've moved too far into the head, we've really moved away from heart, from feeling and being with that and for it to be okay. Not for it to be something that needs fixing or medicating or therapizing away.”

Q: We know that grief is a LIFELONG thing. How do you maintain emotional well-being while navigating ongoing related to grief?

A: “The intensity when it comes is the same as it was the day Ru died. And now there are these triggers that are not obvious. It's quite random things.

Lately I've been quite surprised thinking, why, why am I feeling this right now? It's really a case of just continuing to give myself permission to feel whatever it is. 

And I think I've become better at articulating it with myself. If I'm around other people just to say, ‘Oh, okay. Something's going on.’ What do I need? Bringing it back to that - what do I need right now? 

Still allowing myself to feel whatever it is that I'm feeling and not judge it.”

Q: What advice would you give to someone who is currently struggling with grief?

A: “Acknowledge that that's how you're feeling. 

I've been there a lot. I've been to some dark places, really dark places, and just to acknowledge it and have no expectation upon that. 

Make sure you're safe. I think that's the biggest thing I've learned with this is that it passes. Whatever intensity I'm feeling. If I allow myself to feel it, it will pass.”

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One of my favourite aspects of this conversation was Iona’s zest for challenging conventional narratives and how things “should” be. Her dedication to giving herself full permission to feel and be with the raw elements of her experience, moment-by-moment, and leaning into her self-trust is truly inspiring. Her words and her story are an invitation to all grievers to consider what it might be like to let go of those expectations and to do your grief in your own way.

You can find Iona and stay up to date with her creative projects on Instagram @iona_winter and on her website.