challenging grief narratives with dae-maree

Learn how Dae-Maree, now a holistic wellbeing coach, navigated the profound deaths of her baby girl and nana in the same year. I'm so grateful to Dae-Maree for courageously sharing her story and wisdom on the Rewild Grief Conversations.

What I enjoyed most about our conversation is Dae-Maree’s passion for challenging unhelpful beliefs and narratives that we, as a society, hold around grief and loss. Her story is a testament to the power of how allowing yourself to truly feel and process the pain, sadness, guilt, anger - the whole spectrum of emotions - is vital for healing.

I hope you find her perspective inspiring and empowering on your own journey through grief, loss and life’s hard things.

Check out the highlights of our conversation ⬇️

Q: Was there a moment in your journey where you realised it was time to take back your agency in grief?

A:  ”I had to hit some form of a rock bottom and for me, it was the moment that I realized that I had been trying to control what I could in my life because everything else felt out of control. 

I remember my house needing to be immaculate. And when I say immaculate, it didn't necessarily mean inside my cupboards were clean, but presentation-wise, I had to have everything in its space.

It got to the point where my poor kiddies couldn't even sit on a bed that had been made because I would be so frantic about the mess. It was one of those beautiful babies of mine just crying or getting upset from my reaction was that wake up call, like, “what are you doing?” 

You know, I was existing. I wasn't living.

Recognizing your own boundaries and when to step back and recognizing what's healthy and what's not. It was recognizing those potentially unhealthy traits that I was exhibiting and the harmful impact that it might have been having on me and those around me. But that's a very hard space to step out of and look inwards.”

Q: What is one valuable lesson you’ve learned through grief?

A: “Although we don't have a lot of control, we do have a choice in some of these things. 

You can feel grief and you can hold those emotions that come along with it, but you can somewhat choose how to experience those.

An example of that is you might feel really sad one day, and that would be really normal. You might choose to sit in bed all day and you take that day and you just hibernate and hide from the world and that would be fine. You choose to experience it that way. 

However, you can always choose an alternative route as well. 

You might want to go and explore the world and do things that feed your soul and nourish you and make you feel better all the while feeling that sadness. So that's the choice and how you experience it.”

Q: What would you say to someone who is asking “When does it get better?”

A: “How does it get better? When does it get better? I think what is really good to bring some awareness around is that there is no right or wrong. There is no time frame. You shouldn't be feeling better by this time. 

It's not two weeks. It's not two years. It's not two decades. It's when you feel differently. And that could mean the smallest change in your day. 

For me and my personal experience, I went through Groundhog Day. I remember waking up and setting myself up for failure because I instantly, before I opened my eyes, would ask myself, “Do I feel better?”

I was living that same life over and over, just waiting for something to change. And I think that that's really natural and really normal. There's no toolkit to get out of that, I can only share for myself what worked, was recognizing those differences. 

But one day, and again, the timeframe is irrelevant, but one day, you will wake up and you'll notice that you can hear the rain on the roof.

Or, you notice that today, I turned over on my side and just lay there for a little bit longer. That was different. Today, I noticed that actually, I got up and I made my kids breakfast and I really watched them eat their breakfast and thought, huh. Look at that. Just the small and the smallest, smallest steps are the most crucial.” 

Q: What did you learn about grief and guilt?

Your grief can make you feel really guilty. You wake up and go, Oh, I smiled.

And then you automatically go, Oh, my gosh. I smiled. Like, how dare I forget this person? 

You are not forgetting the person. You're not forgetting this thing. You're not forgetting that hurt or pain. You're giving yourself permission to be okay for that moment. 

 We have to sometimes learn that different feelings and often conflicting feelings can coexist.”

Q: I’ve heard you speak about the power of writing before, can you tell us more about how it helped you?

A: “It's a therapy for me. I fin  it quite cathartic to take that from my heart and my head and put it onto paper. And there's so many benefits to that. 

Not only do I get to share my thoughts and feelings and story, but I also get to reflect on that later and revert to that and go, holy shit, I did that or that's right. I forgot about that. Well, how do I get through that time? Because I'm feeling a little bit similar now. 

So it's such a good tool as well. It's not just a therapy. It's something that goes in your toolkit for the rest of your life.  

People might say “I don't know how to journal. I don't know how to write.” There is no right or wrong way. You just start scribbling or drawing or writing words and you don't have to make any sense of them. They'll eventually make sense to you if you want to look back at them, but in that moment, that's what needs to get out.”

Q: What advice would you offer to someone who is feeling stuck in grief right now?

A: “Give yourself permission to not have so much pressure on yourself to be in a space where you need or have to feel like you move forward.

I say moving forward because I think moving on is a harsh way to put things and no one wants to move on. 

Be more forgiving on yourself and be really gracious here. Don't put any pressure on yourself. It's all about noticing the little things, paying gratitude to all the wee things that are there for you.”

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Navigating through grief is a deeply personal and non-linear process - it's okay to take it one small step at a time. If you’re keen to hear more from and work with Dae-Maree you can find her on Instagram @thegrowthproject___ where she runs her own holistic wellbeing coaching business.