Grief, Loss and Cervical Cancer with Sjaan

I had the profound honour of speaking with Sjaan, a mother, farmer, and former speech language therapist who was diagnosed with stage 2b cervical cancer at just 33 years old during the March 2020 COVID-19 lockdown.

Our conversation offered an intimate look into Sjaan's experience navigating this life-threatening challenge while raising a young family. From the depths of this journey Sjaan has emerged with a unique perspective on life and is an inspiration to many others who are faced with adversity.

Sjaan and I only met a couple of months prior to this conversation on an all-women five-day Fiordland experience generously organised by the Fiordland Wapiti Foundation. It was such a treat to get to know and spend time with a bunch of incredible women.

Check out the highlights of our conversation ⬇️or watch the replay here.

Q: How was it receiving that diagnosis during lockdown?

A: The whole diagnostic thing was a journey in itself. I ended up being officially told over the phone that that's what was happening with me.

At that time I was really grateful for lockdown because I didn't have to face anybody. I've got three kids, and at that time my oldest was still in preschool, just starting school, and I didn't want to have to face anybody at pick up and drop off.

You do learn a lot about yourself, I have to say. Because I would have thought that I was really proactive. I'm an information gatherer. But suddenly you're faced with your mortality. And I was gathering information, but it was quite confronting. 

Q: What has been one of your biggest challenges?

A: I wasn't very responsive to treatment. Four weeks into the six week program I’d basically had no response. It was like, wow, this actually might kill me. 

My sadness for other people was a big one. I had three kids and to leave them motherless like that was a really big thing for me. That was really what was weighing me down. My family, to think of my husband, and how the future would look if I wasn't here for them. 

Q: What did you find surprising about your experience?

A: When I was diagnosed we were in lockdown and I was so grateful that I didn't have to see anybody. But eventually I did have to face people and what I wasn't prepared for was that people I didn't even know would cry for me. 

They would say things like, “I just feel for you. You're a young mom. You're too young to have gone through this.” I wasn't prepared for that.

You don't know what other people are bringing to a situation as well, and that's why I would say you could never judge a person for the way that they grieve or for the way that they react to a situation, because everybody is coming into this with their own past experiences.

Q: What were some practical ways that people helped you and your family?

A: We live rurally and have the most amazing support network. I’m one of four girls in my family, and my sister set up a Meal Train. It's a live calendar, and you send the link, people will pop on, and they'll reserve the night. You can put things in there, like dietary requirements, if there's anything that kids don't like, etc.

Within two days six weeks worth (the duration of Sjaan’s treatment) of meals were booked out. Our amazing community just all put their hands up.

People actually missed out. So we were having packages turn up in the letterbox, people were turning up with bags of activities for the kids to do, big bags full of pens and books.

Q: What losses from this journey are you now grieving?

A: That's the aspect of grief that you had picked up on. I am grieving the loss of my body, the way that it used to be. There’s a lot to unpack and you don’t process it when you’re in it.

Radiation has changed my body. My pelvis is not the same, I get pain, all my organs are glued together as a result of radiation. I struggle with that daily. I used to be a runner and I can't really run anymore.

Q: How did/do you handle those hard emotions?

A: There are simply times in life where things aren't all rainbows and roses. My Nana used to say, visitors are like fish and they go off after three days. Sorry to everybody who stayed for a long time - I do love you!

I started to think of my feelings and emotions, like visitors, and that if they hang around for more than three days, maybe it was time to try and kick them out, distract myself, give myself a break.

Q: What advice would you offer to someone who is struggling right now?

A: Don't feel afraid to look stupid or be vulnerable.

I do cry, and I even just say, oh, sometimes I cry, but I'm okay. Let your emotions wash over you when they do arise. Give yourself space to be sad, if that's how you feel at that moment.

Ask for help, there's this happening, we need help. Who can help with what? Don't be afraid to share, don't be afraid to ask, don't be afraid to admit that you're having a bad time.

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Sjaan's courageous journey and willingness to openly share her experiences provides a light for anyone navigating grief, loss, or major adversity. Sjaan's story is a testament to the importance of surrounding ourselves with support, giving ourselves permission to feel and express the full range of difficult emotions, and holding space for the inevitable grief that comes with major life challenges.

For gynaecological health support in New Zealand check out Talk Peach Foundation, an organisation Sjaan fundraises for, and the Ovarian Cancer Foundation.