12 Things I Wished I’d known ABOUT GRIEF

"If you don’t learn anything from this, what’s the point?” a good friend said to me the day after my dad died.

At the time, in the throes of unfathomable grief, it felt like advice that had missed the mark. I mean, it’s not exactly comforting, right? Being told this experience is meaningless unless I learn from it? Can’t I just marinate in my grief right now?

But somewhere, somehow, I recognised a morsel of truth in it - so I filed it away for another day. (So yes, they’re still a good friend!)

Grief is a lifelong journey that I continue to navigate, but you know what, I have learned some things. A lot of things about myself, but equally important, many things that might just help another grieving human who’s trying to make sense of a new awful, upturned world.

1 - throw away anything you know about the five stages of grief

These were devised based on work with terminally ill patients and the grief associated with their own upcoming death, not the grief someone experiences in losing a loved one and the process of learning to live without them.

Whatever you’re experiencing, it’s your unique, and very natural, way of responding to life-altering loss.

2 - be kind to yourself

Please oh please, let go of all those expectations, particularly the ones that include words like *should*, *supposed to* or *gotta*.

No, there’s no reason you “should get back to some of those work emails”.

No, you’re not “supposed to feel better by now”.

And no, you don’t “just gotta finish my to-do list”.

3 - Take one moment at a time

Thinking about how you will get through the next months, weeks, days, or even hours is often unbearable. Now is not the time to worry about how you will get through your first Christmas day without them, how their empty chair at the dinner table will stare at you, or how you will commemorate their birthday.

Approach it moment by moment. What do you feel like doing right now? What does your body and soul need in this instant? Do that.

4 - You’re not alone

It feels like you’re living all alone in a snow globe that someone has just shaken — violently. No one could possibly fathom what’s happening in your fragile glass sphere.

The word ‘grief’ is simply a label, a word we use, for a hugely complex and individual experience; so while it’s true that no one has experienced this in exactly the same way that you are, there are other folks out there who know real pain too.

Sometimes you will stumble across these people, sometimes you will need to seek them out. Cherish those connections. Almost every client I’ve worked with has a story about how connecting with people who get it has been one of the most impactful, helpful parts of their journey.

5 - Cling to happiness

This is inspired by the following quote from Elizabeth Gilbert:

“And when you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt — this is not selfishness, but obligation. You were given life; it is your duty to find something beautiful within life no matter how slight.”

Happiness comes in all kinds of packages, and it’s often surprising where it finds you. But we must allow ourselves to take comfort in these moments, no matter how fleeting they may be.

6 - You’re still allowed to smile & laugh

Don’t feel that just because you’re in mourning you can’t share a laugh with friends and family. You are still allowed to feel joy and pleasure. For the first few weeks a smile may only be skin deep, but your heart and soul can — and will — smile fully once again.

7 - It's OK to ask for help

The majority of us humans have expelled the concept and thoughts of death to a padlocked cupboard in the attic of our minds. So when it occurs in our happy bubble of the world we’re not well-equipped to cope. There’s a lot to learn in a hurry.

As with anything that requires learning, it’s usually easier with help.

8 - Listen to your body

As an endurance enthusiast, I had pushed my body to - and beyond - its limits. But the toll that grief had on my body was another level entirely. It was as though all my energy just went poof, into the never-never.

If you want to take a nap, take a nap. If you need to move, take a walk, or try gentle yoga. Maybe you just need to sit in the garden. If you don’t have the energy for something, like a group training session, just say no.

9 - Ask yourself what you need

What do you need, on all levels — practically, physically, emotionally, spiritually? Is there housework, gardening, childcare, or cooking you need help with? Maybe you need company for a walk, someone to listen while you fall apart, or a buddy for Netflix binging sessions?

Putting a bit of effort into thinking about this goes a long way to you helping yourself, but also helps others to better help you. When you figure out what you need help with, pick your moments and ask for help (ref #7) to make it happen.

10 - your own life deserves living

No doubt about it, it’s the heartbreaking end of an era. It’s the end of your physical time with your loved one, and you’ll learn ways to continue your relationship in different ways.

But it’s not the end of your own life. You’ve still got a lot of living left to do.

It took me a long time to realise this.

11 - Take time to be alone

Not everyone has this luxury, and the prospect of being alone can be hellishly intimidating. Yet it can be immensely helpful time to attempt to make sense of the world again without any distractions.

Personally, I took a week on my own to simply walk, spend time outside, write and cry. While I cherished the time with my family, I was carrying some of their grief too in watching them feel pain. It wasn’t until I was on my own that I could truly feel my own feelings, and ultimately face them.

12 - DOn’t make it hell

Don't measure your experience against certain stages or timelines of grief (ref #1). Listening to the voice of your inner Judgy Mc-Judgepants only adds another layer of suffering on top of an already excruciatingly painful experience. It’s already miserable and tragic. You’re going through enough already, don’t make it hell for yourself.

*

Keep taking your next best steps and looking after yourself the best way you know how. No doubt you’ll learn a few things too, things about yourself, and things that you can also pass on to help others one day.

 “Now every time I witness a strong person, I want to know: What dark did you conquer in your story? Mountains do not rise without earthquakes.” — Katherine MacKenett